Epitaph for Jonathan Poundall
"The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim"
Meeting Jonny is one of those experiences that I think sticks into peoples heads. He was such an individual character who always wanted other people to be happy. When I first met Jonny, it was at the pub after a few beers which ended up turning into a night only he could create. He didn't care if you were a stranger, he didn't care if you were different. If you were friendly, you were invited and included. So many nights would just consist of sitting at "The Palace" with a few "Grogs" and "zigarettens" whilst watching some strange trash show like "Trailer park boys". Just having a laugh.
He used to hold back with his humour from me and he later explained it was because he was worried he would offend me with how far he took his jokes sometimes. I can honestly say I don't think he ever did offend me. He was too nice a person. It was after showing me his favourite comedian he realised that I had the same humour. We were close ever since.
That was quite a few years ago now. When I moved to University, he was the one who would message to make sure I was coping okay. He was the first person to come up and visit me and, instead of going home knowing I was struggling to settle in, he stayed with me and we crashed a random house party, at one point putting on Bring me the Horizon in the middle of some pop music! These nights never had a plan to it, anyone who ever went out with Jonny would know that it's a case of whatever you feel like doing, we'll do it.
He told me over a year ago that he had feelings for me, and I always told him he was my best friend and I didn't want to ruin that. So we carried on being close and seeing each other when we could. I would introduce him to student life and he would introduce me to the book cafe, making me try his "Ting Tong Tea". We would chat about him meeting girls, going out with friends, his holidays. Anything that just happened to come up.
The messages we would send each other are now forever stored, I don't ever want to lose those words with him. I remember him knowing I felt lonely, so he would tell me he couldn't wait to see me. I messaged him when I was in hospital last year, and he did his "What you ill for, ay?" When I felt ill a few months ago, and he found out it was because of Chinese food, he did his "Y'all know you don't eat reheated Chinese!". His sayings became so unique to his personality that many of us started calling them "Jonny-isms".
I think my favourite story has to be of him giving his "Granny Smith" a glass of tequila, but convincing her it was water. I didn't believe it till he produced the picture!
A few months ago one of his friends messaged me to remind me he felt a certain way about me. I assumed we were just friends and those feelings had gone for him. Jonny told me he never wanted to pressure me or make me feel uncomfortable. It was left at that.
One of the last times I saw Jonny he told me he still had feelings for me but knew I wanted to stay in my relationship. He told me he didn't mind, he just wanted me to know he still cared for me. He told me "Listen right, I just want you to be happy, and if you're still in my life as a friend then all's good". He told me he hoped things would work out with my partner, but he would wait for me if ever I needed him.
Not a day goes by I wonder if I missed the signs. If it was my fault. If I should have known something was off. The confusion, the anger, the unanswered questions seem to be something all of us will feel.
But it is because he was a man who wanted to give everyone happiness. (And to collect vouchers lets be honest!!!) He was a father, a brother, a friend, a son....even a hairstyle!
He battled his demons, never wanting to worry others. He used to tell me he felt lonely, though he was never alone. It was hard to know him and not fall in love with his character.
The last time I saw him was the Wednesday before he went into hospital. He came into my work with a person he had just made friends with, the only way he could. We had a drink, went to hairy dog to dance about drunkenly, then went back " t' palace" to have a few more drinks. I remember him telling me off for accidentally leaving half a bottle on the side. He told me how he found the Canadian beers in Derby and, not wanting to miss out, he brought as many crates as he could! He would put a playlist on and constantly ask if you liked the music. The amount of times we would try and shout at his Xbox because it was ignoring us! I still hear him saying "Xbox on....Xbox on!...Ahhh Xbox go fuck yourself".
Jonny, if you are watching over us, know you were never alone. We all loved you. A huge void that no-one can replace has been left by you. But your memory lives on. Through your daughter, through your family and through your friends.
I cannot and will not say goodbye, as I believe you will be there on the other side waiting for me, beer in one hand and a cigar in the other, laughing all the shit I got myself into. At being a "Hormonal woman", telling me when I fucked up and when he thought I "did good". I know you weren't a big fan of this song, but the lyrics "It's been a long road without you my friend, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again" is what I believe. You will watch over all of us.
Reminding us to turn the frown upside down.
Telling us that we've played knifey spoony before.
That we shouldn't care what people think.
And reminding us to do what makes us happy.
But today I want to give you, and remind everyone of your song.
The song that you told us how you felt.
The one that constantly tells us you loved us too.
But your demons were too strong for you.
I'm sorry brothers,
So sorry lover,
Forgive me father,
I love you mother.
Can you hear the silence?
Can you see the dark?
Can you fix the broken?
Can you feel my heart?
A beautiful epitaph. Constant days that go by with him on my mind wondering what he's getting up to. I wonder if he's inviting peeps back to his palace in heaven; Having a dole and being one with the liquor! I miss him everyday. Tom X
ReplyDeleteI miss him too. I can't stop texting him, I know he's not going to respond but it actually helps in a way...like feeling close to him again. And you know he'll be running around offering the grog out (cause up there he doesn't need coupons...they're all free and it's unlimited supply haha) x
Delete