When the black dog bites
So I'm back in England.
I know I promised an explanation...so I will give a short version.
My mental health was deteriorating severely whilst in Germany. I kept covering it up wanting to keep up the facade of everything being fine. But one night it came out. Since I couldn't get help in Germany, it was decided I should be sent back to England to see a doctor.
Since being back, everything feels overwhelming. I actively avoid places I've been to with Johnny, unfortunately including the hospital until I realised I could no longer put it off. I took a mental deep breath and reached out for help.
And I now feel defeated.
For anyone who's had therapy or counselling, you may be able to relate. Having to try and put your emotions into words feels like trying to explain the colour 3. It's difficult. I was told I was too aware for hospitalisation. So I did what I do best...I ran away.
It wasn't the greatest idea, but being in an overpopulated hospital and feeling like I wasn't going to get help took over. I panicked and ran.
Luckily a friend met me and allowed me to stay in his spare room so I wasn't on my own.
Today I went to the doctor and they are referring me back to the same team. I feel like I'm going to have to go through the same questions, the same probing...just to have the same outcome.
It's exhausting, I'm not going to lie!
I'm not sharing this to put people off getting help, I'm sharing this to remind people that getting help isn't as simple as everyone makes out. It will be tough. You may feel dismissed. It is a process, not a cure.
The point is to persevere and try to cooperate to the best of your ability at the moment. The fight may seem difficult, but it is definitely better then internally tearing yourself apart.
Stand your ground.
Battle the illness.
Keep fighting Soldier.
Yes, keep fighting! You are never going to be a failure for getting help, because at the end of the day although it is not a cure it is you stepping forwards. You will get the same questions but they will differentiate accordingly to your condition. People want to help so always keep your friends close and try everything it takes to get that lovely smile on your face. Even if it's investing in a colouring book! Small steps and big steps will always make a difference. Keep staying strong, you're so valued! x
ReplyDeleteKeep working at it. It helps me to write things down. When I was pregnant with my daughter I put my feelings to paper. My OB was so impressed she asked to make a copy and asked for permission to use at a conference she was going to that weekend. Getting help is the sign of a courageous person NOT a failure! I know the process can be ridiculous and annoying; which certainly doesn't help when you are depressed BUT there is a sliver lining at the end. Just remember there are TONS of people out there that love you and the pain you feel for Johnny is how others would feel without you. I've never met you but I can tell I would want to!
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