So it's been a while...
I've been focusing on my Mental health the past few months, so it's safe to say I've learnt a few things about fighting a battle when you already feel defeated. At first, I'll admit I was adamant I wouldn't make it this far as I thought the depression dog had bit too hard this time. Slowly but surely I am proving myself wrong by finding my feet again. It hasn't been an easy process and I'm definitely not out of the clear yet...but the hope is beginning to return. For me, that's a huge improvement.
So I'm back in England.
I know I promised an explanation...so I will give a short version.
My mental health was deteriorating severely whilst in Germany. I kept covering it up wanting to keep up the facade of everything being fine. But one night it came out. Since I couldn't get help in Germany, it was decided I should be sent back to England to see a doctor.
Since being back, everything feels overwhelming. I actively avoid places I've been to with Johnny, unfortunately including the hospital until I realised I could no longer put it off. I took a mental deep breath and reached out for help.
And I now feel defeated.
For anyone who's had therapy or counselling, you may be able to relate. Having to try and put your emotions into words feels like trying to explain the colour 3. It's difficult. I was told I was too aware for hospitalisation. So I did what I do best...I ran away.
It wasn't the greatest idea, but being in an overpopulated hospital and feeling like I wasn't going to get help took over. I panicked and ran.
Luckily a friend met me and allowed me to stay in his spare room so I wasn't on my own.
Today I went to the doctor and they are referring me back to the same team. I feel like I'm going to have to go through the same questions, the same probing...just to have the same outcome.
It's exhausting, I'm not going to lie!
I'm not sharing this to put people off getting help, I'm sharing this to remind people that getting help isn't as simple as everyone makes out. It will be tough. You may feel dismissed. It is a process, not a cure.
The point is to persevere and try to cooperate to the best of your ability at the moment. The fight may seem difficult, but it is definitely better then internally tearing yourself apart.
Stand your ground.
Battle the illness.
Keep fighting Soldier.
...And I am not Ashamed".
When you have a mental illness, reaching out and facing up to it can be terrifying. Admitting it to friends and family can be just as scary.
Whilst many are lucky and have a good supportive structure around them, some have to deal with small minded comments. Sure they may have good intentions, but people that have never experienced mental health won't be able to understand how frustrating and upsetting some comments sound.
This is the tribute I never got to give at your funeral:
