Find your own closure
So I've been thinking about the Liberation Challenge I uploaded a while back, and I realised there was one that I can complete. Problem is, like all of us, I am human.
The idea of giving yourself closure is actually quite difficult. Forgiving your own, or someone else's mistakes can be daunting when your emotions don't know how to feel about things. So I decided tonight I would give myself closure. I will admit I have previously attempted this, however I sent it to the person I wanted closure from...and I was left frustrated and still didn't feel closure.
I decided to give myself closure, and not ask for it.
Hate is a strong word, it's more the anger I felt when you left.
I can't feel angry anymore.
And you know what...it's fucking liberating in itself to realise that. I would sit and wonder what I did and why I couldn't make you love me. I had tried so hard, even when my mental health wouldn't even allow me to love myself. I wanted your love.
I've come to realise that it wasn't your love I wanted. I wanted your approval. I wanted your support. I think the relationship had broken down since I lost Johnny, and we both realised he meant more to me then I initially realised. You knew I blamed myself. You knew I felt the relationship had to work, or I truly was guilty of his death. I needed you...And you pulled away.
You used the excuse of me being out of the country, but when I came back to England, there was always a party to go to and a drink to be had. It took you a while to even realise how bad my life had become...and that was only because my housemate made it clear that I actually needed you to be there for me.
It crushed me. I wanted so badly for things to work out between us, and you just kept coming up with an excuse. The last time you came down you told me you felt like you didn't have a choice. And yes, I got so angry realising you didn't want to be here for me...you felt obliged.
I haven't been well. Physically and mentally I've been all over the place. You knew this...yet you set your relationship status to single. Would get angry if I asked why you hadn't come down. I felt like I was pulling my hair out. Yet I still persisted.
I wanted to move in somewhere with you. You wanted out of your parents and I was looking for my own place anyway. To me it made sense. We had spoke about it happening. Yet when I look back, all I see are excuses.
And that's why I can't be angry anymore. You can't force someone to love you. You can't make someone be with you when they already have one foot out the door. I tried to find my own closure, yet somehow you left the conversation at an apology and wanting to make amends. I never understood how you did that. You would make me feel so unwanted, then offer your company like you were a knight in shining armour trying to help. You said you wanted to make amends...then once again it was radio silence.
I lie thinking about what I could have done differently, what I could have done to make you stay. I've realised that you would have left anyway, but you said yourself that you're not the type of person to leave when the other person needs support. I just didn't realise you meant you felt like you couldn't leave. Like you were stuck with the broken toy. Since you walked out that's what I have felt like; the broken toy that nobody wants anymore.
So I stopped contemplating what I did wrong, and started imagining what it would have been like if you had come back. Instead of asking me if you can wait around for a taxi, you decided to stay. Instead of going home, you came back and just apologised. If you had understood why I didn't feel up to being playful that day. And I've honestly began to realise that nothing would have changed.
The good times were so few and far between. You still wouldn't have wanted to commit. You would still put your nights out before anything. Getting so drunk that you nearly missed an appointment you promised to be there for. It didn't seem to matter. I know I forgave you for that...but if you had tried to make amends, what kind of faith would I have had in you?
Whenever I tried to lean on you, you would pull away, leaving me to crash and burn. But you always had a good excuse why a night drinking was essential. I wanted to move forward in the relationship, you wanted to stay living at home. I wanted to start planning my future, living for more than just a day at a time. You taught me trusting people was at my own peril. You told me it was always my fault.
And I believed you. Every time. I felt like the worst person in the world.
You tried to blame my illness. Stating it was hard. Understandable I guess, but I never truly understood why you never seemed to grasp how hard it was for me. I was losing all faith in the future...and the one person I thought would give me hope just kept pushing me away. You had got so used to living a selfish life, only doing what you wanted to do and learning how to avoid consequences. I was always the opposite...wanting to make sure I could help you, could support you and could offer intimacy when you felt alone. And that was fine...until roles were reversed.
So this is a way I can have closure without you making me believe you want to be with me. I don't want a response...I don't even want you to make amends. Honestly I never believed you would try anyway. I'm moving on, and I've learnt I have become happier. I don't feel full of anger and resentment. Yes, I still have days where I wonder how you could have left without a second look...But I've learnt it's part of my closure. You left, because you felt you had to. I can't be angry at that. The fact is, you couldn't offer what I wanted from life. In that scenario, no-ones a winner.
So I want to move forward. I want to find some way to contribute to society...and maybe this blog is the way. I want to move into my own place, which is looking like it will happen in the next few months. I want to get married, have kids, the whole adulting thing. I want it all. I know I would never have been able to have it with you. That isn't a dig, it's a brutal honesty on my part. I can't keep hoping.
Recently I've been reminded of what it feels like to be missed and wanted. And it threw me. It has been so long since someone made me feel like I was worth missing. Like I wasn't some annoying broken toy with no purpose. If I don't feel good, it is accepted. It makes me realise what I want and need from people in my life. I can't be angry when something doesn't work that way. It's life.
I have begun facing up to the details of what I want from life. And I begin to feel acceptance. I can forgive you for leaving me, just not for how you did it. But I have begun to feel that happiness again. Yes it's bloody terrifying, and I still question it...but I know I can ask those questions and I can allow myself to be happy. I sometimes still feel guilty, like I don't deserve it...but you taught me many things, and one thing was to accept the help you can get and enjoy the little things.
I may not be able to forgive you for leaving thinking I was about to go into hospital...But I forgive you for realising sooner than I did that we were going nowhere fast. But if you couldn't be there, that's your choice. You still wanted the young life of parties and an easy home. I just don't want that. I feel I have just began evolving after losing Johnny, and that means I'm not the same girl you began dating. I haven't been for a long while.
So I honestly wish you the best in life, but I think it's time I cut you out of mine. I can't allow you to keep dangling love on a string, and yanking it away when I get too close. It felt cruel, I told you this. I asked you to stop. I got shunned from your circles, and you would always tell me you didn't know why. I found out you told some of your friends we weren't even back together. It made no sense to me. I wanted to be a part of your life, and you were already cutting me out of it. I never understood why you kept pushing me out without an explanation.
So this is my closure. I don't want the resentment anymore. I cannot accept your offer of making amends. I can't be put back in that scenario. I'm sorry, but I think this is what is best for my health. I want to be selfish. I want to put myself first and learn to love myself again. I just can't do that with you in the picture. You left me to drop when I tried to lean on you. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I was left to drop. I need stability and reliability...You cannot offer that. We're both in different stages of our life. You enjoy the freedom, I think I just want more than that.
Good luck for the future
Pip x
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