So I've been thinking about the Liberation Challenge I uploaded a while back, and I realised there was one that I can complete. Problem is, like all of us, I am human.
The idea of giving yourself closure is actually quite difficult. Forgiving your own, or someone else's mistakes can be daunting when your emotions don't know how to feel about things. So I decided tonight I would give myself closure. I will admit I have previously attempted this, however I sent it to the person I wanted closure from...and I was left frustrated and still didn't feel closure.
I decided to give myself closure, and not ask for it.
So I'm back in England.
I know I promised an explanation...so I will give a short version.
My mental health was deteriorating severely whilst in Germany. I kept covering it up wanting to keep up the facade of everything being fine. But one night it came out. Since I couldn't get help in Germany, it was decided I should be sent back to England to see a doctor.
Since being back, everything feels overwhelming. I actively avoid places I've been to with Johnny, unfortunately including the hospital until I realised I could no longer put it off. I took a mental deep breath and reached out for help.
And I now feel defeated.
For anyone who's had therapy or counselling, you may be able to relate. Having to try and put your emotions into words feels like trying to explain the colour 3. It's difficult. I was told I was too aware for hospitalisation. So I did what I do best...I ran away.
It wasn't the greatest idea, but being in an overpopulated hospital and feeling like I wasn't going to get help took over. I panicked and ran.
Luckily a friend met me and allowed me to stay in his spare room so I wasn't on my own.
Today I went to the doctor and they are referring me back to the same team. I feel like I'm going to have to go through the same questions, the same probing...just to have the same outcome.
It's exhausting, I'm not going to lie!
I'm not sharing this to put people off getting help, I'm sharing this to remind people that getting help isn't as simple as everyone makes out. It will be tough. You may feel dismissed. It is a process, not a cure.
The point is to persevere and try to cooperate to the best of your ability at the moment. The fight may seem difficult, but it is definitely better then internally tearing yourself apart.
Stand your ground.
Battle the illness.
Keep fighting Soldier.
This happened! I got nominated for the Liebster award!
(And award given to new bloggers, by bloggers. A way of offering support and showing appreciation for new / low reader count blogs! And the lovely Kelly Render from the Blog "Motherhood: Shit just got real" decided I should receive the award! Thank you so much hun!
(Yes, I'm overly excited...My blog is getting recognition!)
First of all, I'm not going to lie here...but the #BloggerstakeonAfrica project may be getting cancelled already after only a few weeks of planning.
Not because African Impact pulled out.
Not because we changed our minds (We're gutted!)
Not because of support issues (And those of you that supported us, if it does get cancelled your money will be returned as there was no bank account tied to the gofundme page...it will be refunded don't worry...you can always send it straight to a charity)
But because of hate.
...And I am not Ashamed".
In times of distress it becomes difficult to focus or bring yourself out of that pit of despair.
The thing is: Only you can bring yourself out of it.
This is the tribute I never got to give at your funeral:
