So I've been thinking about the Liberation Challenge I uploaded a while back, and I realised there was one that I can complete. Problem is, like all of us, I am human.
The idea of giving yourself closure is actually quite difficult. Forgiving your own, or someone else's mistakes can be daunting when your emotions don't know how to feel about things. So I decided tonight I would give myself closure. I will admit I have previously attempted this, however I sent it to the person I wanted closure from...and I was left frustrated and still didn't feel closure.
I decided to give myself closure, and not ask for it.
So it's been a while...
I've been focusing on my Mental health the past few months, so it's safe to say I've learnt a few things about fighting a battle when you already feel defeated. At first, I'll admit I was adamant I wouldn't make it this far as I thought the depression dog had bit too hard this time. Slowly but surely I am proving myself wrong by finding my feet again. It hasn't been an easy process and I'm definitely not out of the clear yet...but the hope is beginning to return. For me, that's a huge improvement.
So I'm back in England.
I know I promised an explanation...so I will give a short version.
My mental health was deteriorating severely whilst in Germany. I kept covering it up wanting to keep up the facade of everything being fine. But one night it came out. Since I couldn't get help in Germany, it was decided I should be sent back to England to see a doctor.
Since being back, everything feels overwhelming. I actively avoid places I've been to with Johnny, unfortunately including the hospital until I realised I could no longer put it off. I took a mental deep breath and reached out for help.
And I now feel defeated.
For anyone who's had therapy or counselling, you may be able to relate. Having to try and put your emotions into words feels like trying to explain the colour 3. It's difficult. I was told I was too aware for hospitalisation. So I did what I do best...I ran away.
It wasn't the greatest idea, but being in an overpopulated hospital and feeling like I wasn't going to get help took over. I panicked and ran.
Luckily a friend met me and allowed me to stay in his spare room so I wasn't on my own.
Today I went to the doctor and they are referring me back to the same team. I feel like I'm going to have to go through the same questions, the same probing...just to have the same outcome.
It's exhausting, I'm not going to lie!
I'm not sharing this to put people off getting help, I'm sharing this to remind people that getting help isn't as simple as everyone makes out. It will be tough. You may feel dismissed. It is a process, not a cure.
The point is to persevere and try to cooperate to the best of your ability at the moment. The fight may seem difficult, but it is definitely better then internally tearing yourself apart.
Stand your ground.
Battle the illness.
Keep fighting Soldier.
Hey guys!
So I was nominated for a Liebster award...No I won't shut up about it. First good thing to happen to me for a while! First time I've felt excited for a while! So I will get overly hyped without shame!
Anyway!
Some of the questions I was asked caused me to think a lot about why I started blogging, and where I want to go with writing...
I know I shouldn't worry too much about that kind of stuff this early on, but hey...Anxiety Girl will be anxious!
Not only to I want to help in the fight for Equality, mainly towards mental health...I also want to raise awareness for invisible illnesses. So I decided to start a new series of posts that I will be calling :
"Pjs and Painkillers"
This happened! I got nominated for the Liebster award!
(And award given to new bloggers, by bloggers. A way of offering support and showing appreciation for new / low reader count blogs! And the lovely Kelly Render from the Blog "Motherhood: Shit just got real" decided I should receive the award! Thank you so much hun!
(Yes, I'm overly excited...My blog is getting recognition!)
